It wasn't the greatest day from the get-go. I was supposed to have spent the morning recording vocals for a track I've been collaborating on, but technical issues shut that project down before it even began. So I moved on to plan B, but was missing some of the ingredients I needed for that to be successful as well.  So I went to my office to do some cleanup while the husband made a frustrating trip to town for a few supplies that in normal times would be so simple.  But these days, nothing is simple. It's starting to wear on everyone I know.

So to end the day, a quick trip to our local general store for mail, groceries, and one lousy stamp.  But my timing was off, so I asked for the stamp about the same time as the postal computer shut things down.  So that task turned out to be a bust as well.  And I got snarly.  Not mad, not bitchy, not rude...just frustrated snarly. That is not my typical response, so  that happening brought my spirits down even lower. 

I came home, my not-great mood now well defined as bad.  It was 4:30 in the afternoon, and I just went to bed and curled up.  I felt bad that something as simple as a $1.07 stamp was the straw that broke me, and as I lay there feeling both bad and teary, I realized I was grieving. We are all grieving these days. Our world has been in a tailspin for months...and there's not really a true end in sight. And that creates more grief. As a Grief Recovery Specialist, how could I not have recognized the depth of what I was experiencing sooner?

WHAT IS GRIEF? There are two definitions we use are from The Grief Recovery Handbook.  First is that grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss. Second, grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.

So many people equate grief with the death of a loved one, but there are over forty different experiences that can cause grief to reside within us. Give yourself just a moment to go through the list of grieving events below.  As you're going through that list, be conscious of just how very many of those things we have each experienced in the last fifteen months of this Covid Era.  

• Death of a spouse or partner
• Divorce
• Marital separation
• Imprisonment
• Death of a close family member
• Personal injury or illness
• Marriage
• Dismissal from work
• Marital reconciliation
• Retirement
• Change in health of family member
• Pregnancy
• Sexual difficulties
• Gain a new family member
• Business readjustment
• Change in a financial state
• Death of a close friend
• Change to a different line of work
• Change in frequency of arguments
• Major mortgage
• Foreclosure of mortgage or loan
• Change in responsibilities at work
• Child leaving home
• Trouble with in-laws
• Outstanding personal achievement
• Spouse starts or stops work
• Begin or end school
• Change in living conditions
• Revision of personal habits
• Trouble with boss
• Change in working hours or conditions
• Change in residence
• Change in schools
• Change in recreation
• Change in church activities
• Change in social activities
• Minor mortgage or loan
• Change in sleeping habits
• Change in number of family reunions
• Change in eating habits
• Vacation
• Christmas
• Minor violation of law
• Loss of Trust, Loss of Approval, Loss of Safety, and Loss of Control of my body

For myself (someone who has felt that many of the last year-plus of adjustments wasn't awful compared to so many others who are struggling), I look at the list and I can check of 19 situations that trigger the grief response. NINETEEN!! OUT OF FORTY!! And I am one of the very, very lucky ones!

This realization was really a wake-up call to what others are also going through and it's lead me to the realization that this is just the very beginning of what's to come.  Grief often doesn't even hit us the hardest until after the event, when we have the opportunity to step back and breathe again.  Suddenly we can find ourselves overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, anxiety, pain, and hopelessness.  

I hope knowing and understanding that, and for me remembering that, will help lighten the journey a little as we continue to edge our way towards the end of this period.  I hope that we can all be a little gentler on ourselves, and a little kinder to others as we realize the toll this time is having on everyone.  The only difference really is the degree of the effects being felt, but all of us are feeling the effects.  We need to find little ways to support and build each other's spirits until we can find bigger, more personal ways to do that.  

For a long time, with the last couple of years of moves and health issues, I was thinking of laying my role as a Grief Recovery Specialist to rest, but I expect that that skill will be more in demand in the months ahead than it was been at any time in my lifetime.  So with that, my doors will remain open.  I will continue to be a heart with ears to anyone that feels they need to go deeper into what they are experiencing and have some completion for the grief that they too are living with as a result of so much change to so many things we took to be normal. 

​We will get through this, and we will get through this together.  But I know it's going to take a concerted effort to move the world back to a place that feels more familiar to each of us.  Where we can regain a sense of safety, and of trust that what we know offers some stability. We'll get there, and we'll get there by being there for each other until we can be there with each other.   Better days are coming!

There's one in every family.  The person who holds on to the pictures, stories and memorabilia that are the threads, which when woven together, become the fabric of a family's history.  It's the person that has the stacks of photos and notes and records that have been passed down from generation to generation, not always sure what to do with them, but knowing that there's a responsibility that comes with those items.  In our family, that person seemed to be and still is...me.

I don't know how it happens in any given family.  I look back and for myself I think it was the bond I had with my Grandparents.  Having been so lucky as to have grown up in the same yard as Granny and Grandpa, countless hours were spent with them in their home, learning from them as we grew up.  I still hold that time with them as some of the most wonderful hours of my life.  They were my teachers in the lesson that time spent as the most valued gift of all.  

Grandpa was passionate about his ancestry and history, and loved to share all of that with us.  I remember him spending painstaking hours, tracing and investigating leads to the family’s ancestors, at a time when it was not nearly as simple as it is today. Chronicling, documenting, then researching some more. 

Year’s later, after reading a book called ‘The Homestead’ that had been written by a local man, Wilbert Aitkens, I remember a story he’d written about his watching my Grandmother playing baseball when he was a young man.  Of course by that time, Granny was long gone, and although I knew much about her, I realized there was so much more that I hadn’t taken the time to ask.  When I looked at what we had for the ‘English’ history (which was her maiden name) it didn’t go very far, so I started my own journey of discovery.

I remember at that time, sending out the letters, to names in phonebooks across provinces, hoping to get leads that would fill in the blanks for me.  I got lucky, and did connect with Claire English, wonderful man, not all that far from where we lived, who had more information than I could even imagine.  It was exciting and rewarding to learn more,  but life took a turn and got busy.  My quest for information on those that went before me got put aside  as the business of making a living and raising a family took over.  Inside, I still found it all fascinating, but priorities for time were taken up elsewhere. 

Now, time is much easier to come by again, as we’ve entered this next stage of our lives.  I realize that I’ve still maintained the roll of the ‘Memory Keeper’ for this leg of our family, as I seem to be the one that has ended up with so many of those memories.  I’ve also come to realize that if I don’t share them, they’ll be gone with me.  In this time of high technology and low real contact, there seems to be little interest from the generations that are following me in all of this stuff.  But I’m not convinced that it will be that way always.  I think it’s going to come back around that people will want and need to know where they came from to carve out a certain amount of meaning for their lives..  That they’ll want to know the stories that were passed down, so that they can see the strong, solid stock that they came from.  So that they can understand what was sacrificed by the generations that came before  so that we are now able enjoy all that we’ve been blessed with.  I really hope so anyhow.  

What I do realize that we are living in the most remarkable time in history to share, document, and immortalize those that made the many sacrifices to bring us to where we are today.   My hope is that if I can share it virtually, either through sharing the stories and the knowledge here or on my Ancestry page, when the next ones are ready to know, the information will be available to them…whether I am around or not.  Maybe my sharing will keep their stories alive for just one more generation.  As long as our stories live, a part of us does to. ​

​​On June 30th, 1978,  I was graduating with my peers from MacGregor Collegiate Institute (MCI). My Dad gave the toast to the graduates, and I gave the toast to the parents. I am trying to imagine the roar of laughter from the crowd if I had ended that speech by saying, 'oh, and by the way...I predict that 43 years from now, Mark McGregor and I will release a book we co-wrote together!' I also imagine, after the laughter died down, I'd have been escorted out for some type of assessment, because a comment like that would have seemed so off the wall at that time!

​Mark and I met in 1974 when the Rossendale Elementary kids got bussed to MacGregor for high school.  As we were both expected to have university educations in our futures, we had a lot of classes together.  Our individual circles of friends also had us in several social settings together. But really, beyond that, we were simply classmates who were seen as pretty much being polar opposites to one another.

I was the introvert, he was an extravert. Mark was the town kid, as athletic as they come, always with an entourage of friends and classmates around him. He was confident, charismatic, and focused on his dream of a life in the world of professional hockey.  I on the other hand was the self-conscious farmgirl who struggled immensely with a lack of confidence, a residual effect of relentless bullying in my early years mostly due to my challenge with weight.  I was the kid who was way more content to be walking the pasture with my dog, my notebook, and my guitar writing songs, most of them about the heartaches of life as a teenager. Sports and athletics were foreign abilities to me, other than the mandatory physed classes.  Just not my thing at all!  Over our years of high school, my music and songwriting opened doors to new friendships and my circle and confidence began to grow. Still, I can say with absolute honesty I myself would have never, ever predicted that Mark and I would be playing on the same team at anything, any time.  But, I have also learned through life that you can just never, ever say never!

Fast forward to July of 2010, when I was arriving at Mark and Faye's conference center on Storm Bay in Kenora, where Dixie, one of my BFFs, and I arrived so I could perform a house concert for Mark's first Canadian leadership camp attendees.  My invitation to perform came as a result of the release of my second CD.  It had come out in October of 2009.  My son Shane had died in March of that year. I had been working on the album when he passed, and after his death, I knew there were a few more songs waiting to be born that had to be added to the collection. When it was done, I sent out a blast of emails saying that the album was complete, but I was too broken at that time to be having anything liken to a cd release party.  I felt I could manage intimate house concerts...maybe....but celebrating was hard. As a result of that email, Faye contacted me to purchase several CDs for Mark's European customers and asked if I could join them the following July to entertain at their camp. That felt manageable, so I said I'd be there.

The following summer when we arrived at camp, I remember Mark taking me aside to ask when I'd started writing music. He had always known I played guitar and sang, but not that I was a songwriter. I remember his surprise when I told him I started in 1971 at age 11, but as teenagers, neither of us had paid much attention to the other's gifts and talents. In the years after we graduated, I would hesitate to guess we only actually saw each other in person 4 times.  Mark's hockey career had taken him to Europe, my life path had kept me close to our roots, farming and working in the disability field.  Of course, there was no such thing as social media to keep in touch with, so we all knew so much less about each other than we can garner now. 

He told me he felt that we should try collaborating together, because the message in so many of my songs was what he was trying to get across to people as well, and maybe some people would absorb that message better through music.  At that point, I had just lost my Mom 6 weeks previously, Shane the year before that, and my Dad the year before that. Losing three of the most important people in my life in that 25 month period left huge holes in my world that needed to be patched up with something, so I was in.  

The rest as they might say is history. Ten years later we have worked together in so many of his training events and camps. I've helped create resources and tools, have my fingers in most aspects of his business, and have gained so much amazing experience! Working with Mark lead me to get my coaching certification, and build upon that offering with other options and tools. He pushed me to become so much more comfortable and confident in my own story and to see how sharing it might benefit others. Even though our paths were very different, my own clarity on my values and vision for my life had lead me to have very few regrets in life, particularly around how time had been spent with the family I had lost.

In exchange, I believe I brought Mark a certain amount of order and organization to his business, an additional offering of music and coaching to his clients, but also an awareness of challenges and issues around disability, inclusion, and diversity that may not have been on his radar before our collaboration. I believe we helped each other to grow.

If you are a follower of The 10 Principles of Leadership and Life, we are a living, breathing example of Principle 8: Involvement and Diversity, because we are definitely a pretty diverse team. But we are also a prime example of the benefits of taking a deeper look at people you assume you know.  To see their gifts, what they offer the world (and to you), how to create synergy by combining your unique and different gifts and talents. It has certainly not been all roses, but it has been wonderful!

As we were finishing up publishing Mark's first book, 'Being on Mission', Mark told me that he wanted to start thinking about a second book.  I had done a ton of the behind-the-scenes work and writing for Being on Mission, so I knew the story like the back of my hand. However, for the second book, he wanted to change it up a bit.  I remember the day he told me that he thought our main characters should have twins, one with the same physical and athletic abilities as his own children, one child who lives life as Shane did.  I remember feeling both teary-eyed and honored that some of Shane's lessons could be shared in such a way.  The work of creating 'True North: Great teams are built, not born" began. 

Four and a half years later, we are finally able to release our collaboration.  A fable, it's a blend of our unique life experiences, stories shared by our clients and the work we've now been doing together for over a decade.  I'm proud and delighted that I've been given the opportunity to share the hope and possibilities that Shane lived through the story of Sam.  My greatest hope is that it will help people just know a little bit more about the world of disability if they haven't experienced it themselves, as well as the joy that can be experienced....even living life so differently. 

I know that my lifelong passion for music is part of what has led me to the life I am so blessed by today. It is one of my own Intrinsic Offerings (IOUs). Knowing what they are and continually offering them has opened doors to possibilities throughout my life.  I hope each of you has experienced similar benefits by paying attention to those things that bring you to life and bring you joy, because that is what the world needs more of!

​If life hasn't offered you that opportunity to explore and define those things for yourself, then I hope you can make time in the busyness to become clear on what those things are for yourself and find ways to fit them into your life. The world needs what you have to offer, and is waiting for it. Bring on your light and keep shining!

We are now over 14 months into this strange, new world that we are beginning to know as the Covid Era.  I keep trying to look for the pearls of wisdom, as well as the hidden gifts to be garnered from it.  I know there are several, and I have worked to appreciate each of them: the quiet time with family that was so absent in our busy, hectic lives, the chance to dig in, purge, and clear 'stuff' that time didn't allow for previously.  The home-cooked meals...although I could certainly live without the decisions of what to cook day in and day out and day in again.  There have been blessings for us, but I know there have been headaches and heartaches for so very, many people...and yes, for us as well.  

I've always lived my life as a 'glass have full' kind of girl, and believe that it has served me well over the years.  It's who I am as a product of my ancestry.  I doubt many of us would be here today if we didn't come from the bloodlines of people that believed there were always possibilities to push towards.  I am the dream of my grandparents, great grandparents, and all the generations that came before me, and I am so very lucky. 

But even that glass half full mentality has felt like it's wearing and thin of late.  I know we are so lucky that all the pandemic fallout hit at this stage of our lives where we are closer to the end than the beginning.  The years we've put in doing the work have left us reasonably secure. We don't have kids we are trying to home school because we have no choice.  We don't have jobs and businesses that we aren't sure will survive the constant changes to what is allowed and what is not.  We no longer have aging parents or my son with us to care for.  We do worry about our children, grandchildren, friends, and family...but it's not the hands-on, 'how do we get through this' kind of worry.  It's more a niggle at the back of the neck as the day goes on.  We are very fortunate.

But even I feel that I'm struggling through this.  The endless days of restricted options and lack of direction are wearing on me.  Nightly, I settle in and try to make a solid plan for 'what I am going to accomplish tomorrow', but so many of those plans do not materialize into anything that I can concretely say that I actually did do.  And for someone that has always kept pushing life forward, it's a strange and unsettling feeling. 

Last night, I decided that I needed to go back to my IOUs and focus on them more closely in the days ahead. I realized that is my responsibility at this moment in time.  Maybe that focus and intention will give me the direction I need to keep navigating these times in a positive and meaningful way that I can look back upon years from now and feel content with. 

My IOUs are very clear.  Music, Writing, Trust, Wisdom, and Creative.  I have done well with the 'Music' throughout this.  I happened to sign up for a sync songwriting course in August of 2019 and was building my tribe through that.  I will be honest in saying that that focus and tribe has really been what I have leaned on and drawn from day in and day out through much of this. Music brings me joy, and there hasn't been a day in these last many months that I haven't picked up the guitar, written something, practiced, or talked music with my circle.  That has been a blessing.  It touches upon my other IOUs as well.  However, I need to be more intentional about them.

With that, I know I need to get back to writing more again, so this is my attempt to start. My fight, as I'm certain many of you will understand, is that struggle with the 'imposter syndrome' that so many of us share.  I have this internal NEED to write, to document, to share.  I can't help it, it's part of who I am.  It's one of my IOUs, and with the months of sorting and purging that I've been doing, I've been reminded that it's been a force in my life for as long as my memory goes back.  Poems, little stories, songs, letters...write, write, write.  I need to get back to honoring that part of myself, and not worry about the 'what' I am going to write about.  I need to focus on the 'why' I need to do it.

My why is also wrapped up in the other IOUs...my trust that someone somewhere might benefit from my thoughts and sharing, the understanding that at sixty years old I have acquired a lifetime of knowledge and wisdom and that those things might ease another's journey...or they may jumpstart another's success as so much of what I did learn came about the hard way.  Maybe my jotting things down and putting them out into the world will save someone else from having to go through some of that. Or maybe it won't. I don't know. But if I don't put it out there, I never will. Heck, if I do put it out there, I likely never will!  But I'm like my Grandfather in many ways, planting his apple orchard, knowing that he'd likely never really enjoy the fruit of his labors, but always trusting that we would...just as we have for decades since that time.  Someday someone somewhere might get what they need from the seeds I plant. 

How are you doing through all of this? Have you found ways to make sure that each day is meaningful, even though they are different? Have you taken the time to define what your own IOUs are? Here's the link to the IOU assessment that we share in our book 'True North: Great teams are built, not born'.  I'd love for you to take a few moments and go through it for yourself and see what comes out. Drop a line in the comments to let me know what you discover.
​
For myself, realizing that those things that bring me the most joy and benefit the most other people are my own IOUs has given me a boost to keep moving forward for another day.  So with that, let the writing go on!  
​