It wasn't the greatest day from the get-go. I was supposed to have spent the morning recording vocals for a track I've been collaborating on, but technical issues shut that project down before it even began. So I moved on to plan B, but was missing some of the ingredients I needed for that to be successful as well.  So I went to my office to do some cleanup while the husband made a frustrating trip to town for a few supplies that in normal times would be so simple.  But these days, nothing is simple. It's starting to wear on everyone I know.

So to end the day, a quick trip to our local general store for mail, groceries, and one lousy stamp.  But my timing was off, so I asked for the stamp about the same time as the postal computer shut things down.  So that task turned out to be a bust as well.  And I got snarly.  Not mad, not bitchy, not rude...just frustrated snarly. That is not my typical response, so  that happening brought my spirits down even lower. 

I came home, my not-great mood now well defined as bad.  It was 4:30 in the afternoon, and I just went to bed and curled up.  I felt bad that something as simple as a $1.07 stamp was the straw that broke me, and as I lay there feeling both bad and teary, I realized I was grieving. We are all grieving these days. Our world has been in a tailspin for months...and there's not really a true end in sight. And that creates more grief. As a Grief Recovery Specialist, how could I not have recognized the depth of what I was experiencing sooner?

WHAT IS GRIEF? There are two definitions we use are from The Grief Recovery Handbook.  First is that grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss. Second, grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.

So many people equate grief with the death of a loved one, but there are over forty different experiences that can cause grief to reside within us. Give yourself just a moment to go through the list of grieving events below.  As you're going through that list, be conscious of just how very many of those things we have each experienced in the last fifteen months of this Covid Era.  

• Death of a spouse or partner
• Divorce
• Marital separation
• Imprisonment
• Death of a close family member
• Personal injury or illness
• Marriage
• Dismissal from work
• Marital reconciliation
• Retirement
• Change in health of family member
• Pregnancy
• Sexual difficulties
• Gain a new family member
• Business readjustment
• Change in a financial state
• Death of a close friend
• Change to a different line of work
• Change in frequency of arguments
• Major mortgage
• Foreclosure of mortgage or loan
• Change in responsibilities at work
• Child leaving home
• Trouble with in-laws
• Outstanding personal achievement
• Spouse starts or stops work
• Begin or end school
• Change in living conditions
• Revision of personal habits
• Trouble with boss
• Change in working hours or conditions
• Change in residence
• Change in schools
• Change in recreation
• Change in church activities
• Change in social activities
• Minor mortgage or loan
• Change in sleeping habits
• Change in number of family reunions
• Change in eating habits
• Vacation
• Christmas
• Minor violation of law
• Loss of Trust, Loss of Approval, Loss of Safety, and Loss of Control of my body

For myself (someone who has felt that many of the last year-plus of adjustments wasn't awful compared to so many others who are struggling), I look at the list and I can check of 19 situations that trigger the grief response. NINETEEN!! OUT OF FORTY!! And I am one of the very, very lucky ones!

This realization was really a wake-up call to what others are also going through and it's lead me to the realization that this is just the very beginning of what's to come.  Grief often doesn't even hit us the hardest until after the event, when we have the opportunity to step back and breathe again.  Suddenly we can find ourselves overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, anxiety, pain, and hopelessness.  

I hope knowing and understanding that, and for me remembering that, will help lighten the journey a little as we continue to edge our way towards the end of this period.  I hope that we can all be a little gentler on ourselves, and a little kinder to others as we realize the toll this time is having on everyone.  The only difference really is the degree of the effects being felt, but all of us are feeling the effects.  We need to find little ways to support and build each other's spirits until we can find bigger, more personal ways to do that.  

For a long time, with the last couple of years of moves and health issues, I was thinking of laying my role as a Grief Recovery Specialist to rest, but I expect that that skill will be more in demand in the months ahead than it was been at any time in my lifetime.  So with that, my doors will remain open.  I will continue to be a heart with ears to anyone that feels they need to go deeper into what they are experiencing and have some completion for the grief that they too are living with as a result of so much change to so many things we took to be normal. 

​We will get through this, and we will get through this together.  But I know it's going to take a concerted effort to move the world back to a place that feels more familiar to each of us.  Where we can regain a sense of safety, and of trust that what we know offers some stability. We'll get there, and we'll get there by being there for each other until we can be there with each other.   Better days are coming!

Whether you look at your life as a journey, as a highway, or as any number of other analogies, one thing that is true for each of us is that life is not lived in a straight line.

We set out on this trip, believing in our heart of hearts that we will go from point 'A' to point 'B' by following the master plan that we've created in our minds. That we will get the education, then get the career, the partner, the children, the possessions, the (you fill in the blank) and eventually end up where we saw ourselves being when we first created this plan at age fifteen or sixteen.  

But life doesn't go in a straight line, nor does it often follow the plan that we've created.  It takes on a momentum of its own, often taking us to places and experiences that in our wildest dreams we would not have included on the map. Some are breathtaking in their beauty.  Others are devastating in their heartache.  Many times, these unplanned bends in the road ahead stop us in our tracks because we don't have the vision or the courage to see beyond them.   In our brokenness, we can't see that no matter how sharp or unexpected the bend ahead of us is, that the road does continue.  That beyond our line of sight, there are places and experiences and people that will once again take our breath away. That will allow us to feel joy and passion for life once again.

Grief often leaves us stuck and staring ahead at the road that has disappeared from in front of us because it is not how we pictured the road that we would travel to be.  We look at our map, and it doesn't show the sharp curve we've encountered. The grief can be caused by the death of a loved one. It might be caused by the end of a career, or the loss of trust you had, or for financial problems that you never projected.  In fact, grief can find us through over forty life experiences.  Grief can settle into our lives when the unexpected happens and changes how we experience our world.  When that does happen, we are often not prepared.  Why? Because in general no one is taught how to deal with grief.  We are not taught the tools and actions that will lead us through the pain, and along that winding road so that we can finally see that the “bend was not the end.” 

Our society does not prepare us for how to handle grief and losses, so when they befall us, we are often left broken and afraid that we can not continue.  We can't see the next portion of the road ahead because of the pain that blinds our vision. Let me assure you that there is hope after loss.  There is joy after pain.  The road does continue, and you can get into the driver's seat of your life once again to travel it.  The Grief Recovery Method provides tools and actions that allow you to take responsibility for that which you can control, and it helps you to find a sense of completion for the things that you can not.  In being able to do that, you'll once again be able to move forward along this road called life.  You'll once again be able to take in the sights and smells and sensations that make each of us feel fully alive while we journey through this precious gift we call life.  Are you ready to get back into the driver's seat of your own life?