Forgetting our Right to Choose

Water lily in the lake beside the Painted Turtle Restaurant, Clearwater, BC

It struck me this morning, in fact about ten minutes ago, that my own self talk and demands were causing my heart rate to rise and a certain level of anxiety to peak.  I was rushing around the house (well, my version of rushing anyways :) ) having loaded the washer and the dryer, gone through the mental list of supper options, brushed my teeth and washed my face, and prepared my home office through my own series of rituals to get ready for my days start.  As I reminded myself I had to settle down at my desk and tackle the next item on this week's to-do list, another part of my brain was complaining that I so wanted to write! In fact I realized I was beginning to feel angry that I had words in my head and thoughts on my mind that I needed to take time to get onto the written page, but by the time I finished going through the bills and emails and expectations of those on the other side of that computer screen, the energy and most likely the desire would be gone.  Those ideas would be silenced for another day....and would likely moved on...because I didn't take the time needed to honour them and get them onto the written page.  

Then it hit me, in the midst of the frustration of what wasn't going to happen, as i realized that there is not one soul here that is telling me that those are the things I must do first....except me!  I am the one putting the pressure on myself about what needs to be done when and for who.  I am the one that is prioritizing the needs and once again putting my own at the bottom of that list of priorities. I am the one that is saying what this day's accomplishments needs to entail for it to be successful.  I am the one who is creating the frustration and the raised heart rate and the agenda of what needs to be done when.  And with that sudden realization I stopped, turned around and left my office, grabbed my laptop and moved to my writing corner.

So here I am.  And as I sit here, I have to keep asking myself why it is that I continue to do that to myself?  Why do all of us continue to put those pressures  of what is most important on our allotted time, when the reality is that feeding our spirits and our souls is the truly important work.  Exploring what it is that is making us tick and feel joy and provide contentment and peace is the truly important work.  What things will allow us to be our best selves and fulfill our highest purpose in this world as we continue on this journey is the truly important work. But it's not the work we do is it?  It's not the work that we put first on our daily schedules or at the beginning of any list.  

The truly important work is the work that we leave at the bottom of the pile, for when everything else is finished and we can tell the world outside we accomplished something that they can see as a 'result', while inside the work that calls to us lays dormant and unexpressed because all of our best energy and effort was put into the other stuff. Our creativity and our heart's desires are twisted into something else that allows us to do that which is expected by the outside world.  Then, at the end of the day, when we finally do allow ourselves to move into the things we want to do, the time and effort needed to put that creativity back into its original form, the form that will allow us to grow and thrive,  is too much work to be accomplished on this day. We are tired, and spent so we put it off until tomorrow, and instead zone out for the remaining hours of the days through getting lost in the television, or the surfing or whatever mundane actions quiet the frustrated spirit inside of us that is asking why it was hushed and put on hold yet again.

So this morning, instead of listening to the side of my brain that was pushing me towards that to-do list, I chose instead to listen to that little voice that was calling for me to pay attention to my heart instead.  I am so glad I did.  I feel my breathing beginning to slow again and my deeper self saying thank you, as these words pour forth onto the page.

Don't get me wrong.  I know as well as anyone what needs to be done in a day. I know those bills need to get paid,  that the chores need to be done, that the work that makes this life possible and affordable has to be taken care of. I know that family needs to be supported and loved and acknowledged.  I know that. But what I have to remind myself of, and maybe you do as well, is that we have a choice and the control over how it is that we get those things done.  I know I do...but I forget that, even with all my education, and experience and even my teaching others....I know that, and from time to time I forget.  We all forget that the only one in control of us, our activities and our decisions is... well...us!  

My scenario was that I told myself I have to do these things and do them now. After all, we had the time away embracing our desire to spend time on the coast, feeding our souls, so now that I'm home I need to put all that behind, buckle down, do the catch up work.  Forget about what it is that I need to do to feel that same sense of peace and joy I feel when I can travel until what's sitting on my desk is done.  

But that's crazy!  I haven't spent the last years of my life making all I do portable only to be on lock-down when I return home!  I haven't followed my passions for travel and writing and photography only to push it onto the back burner when I return to the 'real world' that is my life!  This real world is my life, and it should be just as vibrant, and nourishing and spirit nurturing as time away is!  So why do I not make it so?  Why do I let it become mundane and routine and lost in a creative void instead of embracing the knowledge that this is it?  This is the work of my life...sharing my experience, and my passions and my dreams from where ever I am at any given moment.

I know that maybe, because of the way I've worked to design my days, I have a different flexibility than another who has a more typical job that requires a daily trip to the office or another structure that provides the income that makes one's world go round.  In that way it may be easier for me to go from my 'working' space to my 'writing' space with a simple spin on the heel.  I'm 'lucky' I know, I've worked so hard to be this 'lucky' and I embrace it wholeheartedly.  But you have choice too!  Yes, you may have to be in that building from nine to five, and once you're home your energy for what feeds your soul is sapped... but what if you were to wake up a half hour earlier in the day and feed it then?  What if instead of the radio on the commute to that place you listened to books or podcasts that fed that desire for deeper knowledge or learning?  What if your lunch hours were spent taking care of your body and spirit in ways other than just feeding it...but maybe meditating, walking, yoga?  Couldn't that be a possibility?

There are countless ways that we can work what's important into our days, but we have to do that.  No one is going to do that for us.  No one else is going to suggest that you put 'their' stuff on hold while you take care of your own.  That isn't how this world of ours works I'm afraid.  But that's okay, because we have choice and control and the ability to use it...but only if we decide to.

I feel so much better already!  Now, when I head back to the 'other' room, I head back feeling content that I took time for me.  I've had my moment, I can blow out the candle and let the incense burn itself out (some of my own writing rituals), reopen the blind and head into what also needs to get done, knowing that the voice inside me is content and happy that it was listened to.  I can also remind myself that tomorrow I have the same choice.  Tomorrow I can start my day with spending an hour on the guitar... or going through some of the thousands of photos I want to work on...or writing another chapter in a book thats living inside me.  I can choose to make these things a priority.  I can choose!

And so can you.  Believe it or not, in this moment in time, so can you.  It doesn't have to be a big, cumbersome all day event.  It can be one little thing that lets that little voice of longing be heard.

​What can you do today that will make your spirit feel listened to and supported on this journey?  Maybe you should go and do that.