Learning to live in the questions

Life is a journey, not a destination. One of my favorite wall plaques, passed along with love when we moved.

I don’t even know where to start…because there is no beginning, and no ending to the story that is unfolding ….the story that is my life right now, right here…so how do I explain things. 


As I  shared with you in earlier posts, decisions were made.  BIG decisions, that resulted in my beloved and I moving from our comfort zone in Manitoba, living life as semi-retired farmers…to our new life here in Qualicum Beach, British Columbia.  


None of it came easily.  In the course of six months we made six trips across the prairies to move what was most important to our hearts here to the Island that promised us we’d find a sense of home and belonging.  Six trips!!!  At times, I cannot even believe we have traveled that much in an effort to be stable…it becomes an oxymoron of sorts…jumbo shrimp..running to be still.   It’s been just a little bit crazy, but crazy we are, so here we are, finally taking a moment to catch our breath now.  But in the stillness, the questions continue to abound.  


Our Qualicum Beach home is now all but established.  Yes, there are nooks, crannies and corners that need just a little ‘something more’ to be right…something that our Kijiji shopping and chasing has not yet provided, but all the essentials of that which we’re content to call ‘home’ has been established.  The ‘little things’ that are missing will come with time.  Example…a lamp in the living room.  Until tonight…4 months post-possession, I have not really found it a problem that we don’t have any lamp/ lights in our home…besides those which are hard wired into the walls and ceilings.   But tonight…as my beloved wanted to watch an action movie…my heart’s choice was to just take out my ‘Stress Relieving Coloring Book” and well…Color…but because we hadn’t made that little inconsequential purchase of a lamp I couldn’t.  Another reminder of the little things that have a big impact.  We will get there. ​

Another prized wall hanging passed along...If you love the life you live, you will live a life of love.

​Four months into our transition, there are still as many questions as there are answers.  With that, I have found that I need to live in the questions…because I know the answer will come eventually…and if I strain myself to know it, I may push myself beyond what I’m able to appreciate and understand at this point…so I live in the questions.

Here are a sampling of them….

1. What was it that so pushed us to make the decision to move at this stage or our lives?  Yes, I know it’s been a long time dream…a life time dream to be more exact.  I was born here, I breathed this air until I was six, and I cried every time my parents took me to be near water after that…because the water I knew here on the Island chased me and played with me when I ran.  The water along the lakes in the prairie did not.  But was that enough?  Was that what called to my heart all of these years ?  Was that what my father heard call to him when he left rural Manitoba in 1953 to come out this way and join the Royal Canadian Navy?  Am I my Father’s child…because a part of me says he would think me crazy for the choices I have made…but another part of my soul tells me he understands completely and celebrates my choices…now. 
2. Why could I not be content with the life that had been established where I was..by who I was when those foundations were laid? There is most likely a contingent of beings that see all that we had where we were as perfect.  A lovely home, in a beautiful part of the province of Manitoba that most could not even imagine.  A house, a yard, a view…but why,  I keep having to ask myself…was that not enough to make me feel content, completely...at home..content?  Often it was, more than often it was…it was a grounding space where I felt my roots reach deeply down and connect me to more.  But then the flash would come and remind me that they were not necessarily my roots that were taking hold.  Instead they were the roots of my late husband’s dream of what would be the future of the farm that he and his father had established…so the internal conflict began.  As I grounded myself in that place,  I came to the realization that ‘wait a minute…I do love this, and I have lived out that dream for years now, but when I look at it at a deeper level I see that the dream I was living was someone else's dream, someone long passed.  The closing chapter of that dream, in the long run,  was him selling the farm and embracing the life of freedom and travel he envisioned for himself one day …the same life that I have chosen to embrace.  So why the feeling of guilt for living my own dream?  Note to self…we live others lives way too often for our own good.
3. You’ll miss the kids.  What will they think!!!  Yes, yes and yes…I am not sure.  We do miss the kids…every minute of every day.  But when we spend time, whether here when they come to visit, or back in Manitoba when we end up there…the time we spend together is absolute gold.  It is different from the time we spent together before…where one foot was in the office, and one was on the playground with them.  Now, when we are there…we are all there.  Maybe not as often, or as regularly.. .but more intentionally than ever I think.  And my greatest hope is that they will see that we’re not always just ‘there’ but instead that we are here…and with that, will expand their own horizons and opportunities…because LIFE should not be lived in one, rooted place.  Yes, we need roots…but just as importantly we need wings…to journey, to explore, to learn, and to grow.   Way too many people don’t know the value of living a life beyond their perceived borders and limitations…and that makes for such small, narrow minded views of such a vast, incredible world. So I begin see that what was growth for myself…what was part of our big adventure, was also the chance to create an opportunity for growth for our kids….?  And we are seeing that.
   

A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there. Anonymous

So…tonight, as I sit here on a lazy Sunday evening , my desire to reflect is as strong as ever.  I think about the quote I read about "the comfort zone being a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there." Maybe it was just time to grow again. 

This last couple of days have been the first that we’ve been able to just sit back and be without the need to travel east to clean up old business, or explore things here with company and friends.   I’ve spent time out on the deck off the dining room that now has the beautiful ‘roof’ that our son Bill built when he came to visit with his family.  As I listen to the sounds of the crickets in the distance, I love that I can sit and do that without the challenge of Manitoba Mosquitoes or West Coast rain…because that’s the way we’ve set things up. Intentional Paradise.  I can sit for hours listing to the cricket in the distance…and just do that, without having to defend myself from the elements that would dictate …and ruin…my evening hours back on the prairies. 

I am learning the benefits of just embracing a ‘Pooh’ day…spending time in the hammock that my beloved has anchored for me out in the trees beyond the yard…listening to the birds…and the insects…and the world go by…recognizing that yes, it’s a very good day…just because it is a very good day. 

I am embracing the fact that I moved to this place because of its proximity to Spider Lake and all that that offered…and as I drove myself here on our initial move…Bob Seger was definitely singing ‘Let’s all Go to Spider Lake’…even though musical intellect says he was singing ‘Fire Lake’…that is not what my heart heard.  So with that, I have finally given myself permission to just spend time at Spider Lake…with my man…with my camera…with my dog...in a kayak…and most important…with Spirit…make cruising those waters a priority.  For no other reason than that the water is there…and so am I.  What an incredible concept.  What a gift, what  a treasure of being. 

So I will end things there for now…. living in the questions, and knowing there are no definite answers…. embracing the reality that that is okay.  What I know for sure is that the answer will unfold when the time comes.   For now, I know in my heart I have made the decisions to be here because this is where I am meant to be.  The bigger reason for that is not for me to understand right now… but that’s okay.   I know I am where I need to be, with who I need to be, loving all I am meant to be for now…..and that makes all of this perfect. ​

What questions do you find yourself living in at this time?  What changes have you made that are leaving you a little afraid...a little nervous as to whether you're moving in the right direction in your life?  What tools would help you to sort through those questions?  Maybe I can help!