 As I shared a couple of days ago, the husband is in his glory. He has started work on his cabin on the hill. As you can see by the picture, it would better be described as a grainry, rather than a cabin, because well...that's what it is. But he sees it's potential, and it enjoying it to no end.  He has talked for years about building a retreat for himself up there. We've watched papers, and auctions, and online selling sites for buildings that might be appropriate and could be purchased for a reasonable price. Anything we found either was more money that we're willing to spend, or the good deals were missed by minutes. He's been patient, this isn't a new dream, but it's a dream This summer when the diagnosis came our lives were sidetracked, he made himself a promise that when he felt better he'd go ahead and act on it. He's said for years that that little building would work, or he'd make it work and decided that he wouldn't put it off any longer. So here we are, at some of the coldest days so far this year (a balmy -32 this morning) and where is he? He's up on the hill in his man cave. Fitting chimney pipe together, tacking plastic on the walls to keep it warm, dragging an old wood stove up there, so when all of this is done, he'll hopefully have heat. He is literally freezing his butt of...but is having so much fun and his so happy. Following through on a dream will do that. So as we've been frightened into taking a good look at the dreams we hold and realizing we need to take action, I hope that you too can do the same in your life. It shouldn't take a cancer diagnosis or a life threatening injury to move us into action, but so often that is what we need. Otherwise we don't give ourselves permission to take those steps. So I ask you now then, is there a dream you keep holding at arms length thinking there is still so much time to pursue it? And is there really? Enjoy the day!
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 A new dawn, a new day, a new chance to begin again. Today, we are waiting for results from Cecil's follow up CT scan. Fingers are crossed that the news will be good, and that we can continue our dreams of Celyn Away and enjoying life, but anyone who's ever walked through the world of cancer knows, the waiting can be the worst. We are hopeful of course, and things looked good after the initial surgery and healing, but there are still those funny little things that the body continues to do that makes you just stop and take notice and to wonder. The little things that cause the big worries to keep raising their nasty heads. I decided to share my writing from the Portage General Hospital waiting room in July when Cecil was undergoing his initial surgery. Its a good reminder to me at this moment, of continuing to look for the gift, as we wait for the results. July 2014: Its been a long time since I've spent time in one of these rooms...and I can't say that I missed it at all. We've managed four years without major health risks or the loss of someone close to our hearts...but ten days ago that changed once again on us. The results of the colonoscopy came back with the biopsy test showing the growth that was found was malignant. Now the questions continue to circle, as we sit waiting for the completion of the surgery that will tell us whether the growth is contained, whether their will be life changing adjustments because of the surgery and of course the big question...whether we are in for a bigger battle than we are aware of at this moment. Cecil is in surgery as I write this. He was scared going in, we all are. The morning has been slow, the weeks ahead will be as well I fear, with the healing and the waiting to learn where things are at and what is next on our agenda. I keep trying to ask myself that if everything happens for me, not to me...what is the gift in this...for me...for us? My heart tells me that there is one, maybe many...but it has taken much deep thinking and quietly asking my heart. Here are some answers that have come to me:
My dear friend Bert LeSage once told me "It's hard to hear, but the truth is cancer gives us a gift...the gift of time, to say all that is in our hearts." I keep hearing his voice and seeing his kind, brown eyes, knowing that he knew more than I did at that time. It was the day after Greg, my first husband, had died of the same disease. In the 13 years since his passing, I've had time to get to know that Bert was right. Living through my own Mom's brief battle with pancreatic cancer in 2010 I held that thought and embraced every moment, shared every thought that needed to be shared, said every word of love that need to be spoken. In the end, with both of them, there was nothing left unsaid or undone...there was loss, but there was peace as well. That peace of heart and mind means so much. I will work towards that same sense of peace now, regardless of whether we are up against a long, hard battle...or whether this has just been a reminder to practice all that I preach and try to teach...to live in the moment, to appreciate everything that we have right now...to love with all my heart. Lesson learned, reminder acknowledged, gift accepted.  1985 Chris Craft Scorpion 230 We argue if she is a 1985 or a 1987, but it really doesn’t matter, the boat has been on the farm longer than either of us, and likely has more adventurous stories to tell. She was originally purchased by my late husband as a means to try and change the manic pace of the lifestyle he had led, and to find some sort of space to find peace and heal from the pain of his past. He found that solace in taking her to West Hawk Lake. He christened her Brooklyn Rose, after a Neil Diamond song that had stuck in his head. After he passed she sat there. I tried once to take it out on my own, that was a fiasco. When Cecil came into my life, we took her out occasionally to have some fun with the kids, and explore some of the lakes in and around Manitoba. But farm life was crazy busy, and the opportunities to spend much time relaxing and enjoying weekends seldom worked out. There was always hay to put up, cows to chase, kids to support, aging parents to spend time with. In the thirteen years we’ve been together, I don’t think we’ve put 20 hours on that boat. What a sad statement to make in how busy life can become. We’ve both had a dream that one day we’d buy a boat and go explore the Queen Charlotte Islands, and continue up the west coast of British Columbia, seeing what we could see. Experiencing new places and people and maybe even getting to visit the Haida Gwaii Islands has been a wish that we’ve both held onto for a long time. With this year’s cancer diagnosis we were reminded that we may not have a long time to start fulfilling these kinds of dreams, and it spurred us to take action. It hit me that I’m 54 this year, the same age that Greg was when he passed, Cecil is 57. The time has come to start paying closer attention. The years in between then and now had caused me to become complacent and relaxed about the endless future ahead...or maybe it was just getting caught up in the business of life and the other losses that we’ve suffered over the past several years. Whatever the reason, the diagnosis was what we needed to take action. Remember, everything happens for us, not to us. We decided that the boat was just what we needed to take the trip that we plan on next spring, mechanically she’s in great shape, but she’s kinds tired and old, much like ourselves. As we looked at what it would take to spruce her up, we remembered our son’s friend Paul Aquin of WrapidDesigns in Elie, Manitoba had once said he’d love to tackle the boat as a project. That was step one of her transformation. We had to find colours and a name that was more aligned with who we are now as a couple. We knew it needed to be shades of blue and spirited. Something that felt alive! Paul managed to piece together our ideas and thoughts, and the design for ‘Celyn Away’, her new name, was born. As with so many other things in life, once you get started, it’s hard to stop. We realized that now that the outside looked so smart and spruced up, the inside looked both tired and unmatched, so Paul connected us with Darryl Enns from Elm Creek, Manitoba, who has a canvas and leatherworks shop. We picked out the colours, and ‘Celyn Away’ has undergone an amazing transformation! Yes, it cost money, but buying something different would have as well, and the money invested has increased her value accordingly. It’s amazing what can be done to bring something that is so tired and worn down back to life. This is the story of a boat, but it goes for people as well. For us, at a time of much fear and discomfort, working on this gave us something to look forward to. Sometimes that’s all people need, to dream of something good in the future that will get them through today. Are we going to be making our voyage in the spring? Well that remains to be seen. This blog was created because our intention is yes, and setting an intention is the first big step. There are several months between now and then, and more doctors appointments that might change our course at any time, but for now our plans are to fulfill that dream, and any other’s that we’ve been putting off until the time is right. The time is right now!  "If not now, when" Rainbow over a golden grain field “If not us, then who? If not now, then when” John E. Lewis I love quotes, more than I can say. They slip into my head unexpectedly at any time of the day or night, and will often stay there until I ask myself why? Why that one now? Why here? Sitting at my computer, I’ve committed myself to a blogging challenge over the next several days. But in trying to think about what I want to share, the words “if not now, then when” just keep crawling into my thought process. I can almost feel them entering at the base of the hair follicles on the top of my head, follicles that seem to be alive with an electric current these days. It’s like the Universal Energy is trying to enter my system through the top of my head, and activate me to move forward. ‘If not now, then when?” it keeps asking me What I then have to ask myself, am I resisting more than I realize? And if I am, why is that? I don’t know where you are at your own journey these days, but we are definitely at a crossroads, as we focus on the changes that we are intent on making, yet at the same time afraid to, because the course is uncharted and unsecured in the ways we have grown accustomed to through the story of our life. Change is always scary, but it is also what allows us to grow, to expand and to be who it is we are meant to be. So why the resistance when I know what is necessary? My truth is that I’ve been working towards this point for a long time. I’ve been doing the little things to increase my skills and abilities in different areas of my life, but holding on to the old pieces like the security blanket that they are. I’ve been sitting on the fence in a way...not completely trusting that if I go to the other side I’ll be supported on the new journey forward. Yet how can I encourage others to take that leap of faith if I myself have not. So the Universe stepped in, as it always does. For those that may not know it, our summer did not go as planned at all. My husband’s ongoing physical challenges were finally identified as colon cancer in mid July. My heart dropped and my spirits sank, because it is not the first time I have walked that path with one I love. In 2001 I lost my first husband to the same disease, his starting as colon cancer before infecting his liver and eventually ending his life. We fought long and hard at that time, and my fear was that there would be a repeat of that walk this time. The diagnosis and the subsequent surgery and treatment forced me to get off the fence. Those around me played the roles necessary to make my decisions easier as I stepped away from the comfort of the work I have done for eleven years in a paid capacity, and twenty two years all in all as the mother of a child with a disability. I knew that this battle could not be fought a second time in the same way I’d been able to do it fifteen years ago...continuing to support parents, a disabled son, the farm we ran and the staff we employed. My energy from that time has changed, and my priorities have been clarified. As a Certified Passion Test facilitator I knew that I had to choose in favour of my passions, and I chose to let the security blanket go in favour of being able to be fully there for my husband whatever way things went. It is now the end of September and although the summer didn’t go as planned, it could have been so much worse. The surgery went well. The diagnosis is good at this time, and there is no further treatment for the time being. There are tests coming up in the next months that might change what today has brought us, but our focus is on now, and for right now we are okay. So what is this blog going to be all about? It is our journey from here, as we follow our passions and embrace life. It is about us, Cecil and Lynda ‘Celyn Away’ as we step into this gift of time that we’ve been given. It is about living life in the way we’ve not permitted ourselves to before, trusting that what needs to happen will, that for today we are well and able, and that this journey is short and could end at any time. I believe that things don’t happen to us...things happen for us. At a later time, I will share my thoughts on that as they were jotted own while waiting in the hospital during Cecil’s surgery. But for now, suffice it to say that this happened for us to be reminded that our time on this earth of ours is limited, and that we need to drink in the magic of it while we can, because in the blink of an eye it can all change. That lesson was not new to me, but I did need to be reminded of that. I have been...so “if not now, then when?” Now! |
Living our Dreams while Health allowsCancer came knocking on our door again in July of 2014. It's visited before, through different times and people, myself included. This time it dropped by to remind us that life is short and precious. It came to remind us that in our 50s, things can and likely will change quickly, so start doing what you've been promising yourself you would do! Archives
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