"If not now, then when?"

"If not now, when" Rainbow over a golden grain field

“If not us, then who? If not now, then when” John E. Lewis

I love quotes, more than I can say.  They slip into my head unexpectedly at any time of the day or night, and will often stay there until I ask myself why?  Why that one now? Why here?  

Sitting at my computer, I’ve committed myself to a blogging challenge over the next several days.  But in trying to think about what I want to share, the words “if not now, then when” just keep crawling into my thought process.  I can almost feel them entering at the base of the hair follicles on the top of my head, follicles that seem to be alive with an electric current these days.  It’s like the Universal Energy is trying to enter my system through the top of my head, and activate me to move forward.  ‘If not now, then when?”  it keeps asking me

What I then have to ask myself, am I resisting more than I realize?  And if I am, why is that?  I don’t know where you are at your own journey these days, but we are definitely at a crossroads, as we focus on the changes that we are intent on making, yet at the same time afraid to, because the course is uncharted and unsecured in the ways we have grown accustomed to through the story of our life.  Change is always scary, but it is also what allows us to grow, to expand and to be who it is we are meant to be.  So why the resistance when I know what is necessary?

My truth is that I’ve been working towards this point for a long time.  I’ve been doing the little things to increase my skills and abilities in different areas of my life, but holding on to the old pieces like the security blanket that they are.  I’ve been sitting on the fence in a way...not completely trusting that if I go to the other side I’ll be supported on the new journey forward.  Yet how can I encourage others to take that leap of faith if I myself have not.

So the Universe stepped in, as it always does.  For those that may not know it, our summer did not go as planned at all.  My husband’s ongoing physical challenges were finally identified as colon cancer in mid July.  My heart dropped and my spirits sank, because it is not the first time I have walked that path with one I love.  In 2001 I lost my first husband to the same disease, his starting as colon cancer before infecting his liver and eventually ending his life.  We fought long and hard at that time, and my fear was that there would be a repeat of that walk this time.

The diagnosis and the subsequent surgery and treatment forced me to get off the fence.  Those around me played the roles necessary to make my decisions easier as I stepped away from the comfort of the work I have done for eleven years in a paid capacity, and twenty two years all in all as the mother of a child with a disability.  I knew that this battle could not be fought a second time in the same way I’d been able to do it fifteen years ago...continuing to support parents, a disabled son, the farm we ran and the staff we employed.  My energy from that time has changed, and my priorities have been clarified.  As a Certified Passion Test facilitator I knew that I had to choose in favour of my passions, and I chose to let the security blanket go in favour of being able to be fully there for my husband whatever way things went.

It is now the end of September and although the summer didn’t go as planned, it could have been so much worse.  The surgery went well.  The diagnosis is good at this time, and there is no further treatment for the time being.  There are tests coming up in the next months that might change what today has brought us, but our focus is on now, and for right now we are okay.

So what is this blog going to be all about?  It is our journey from here, as we follow our passions and embrace life.  It is about us, Cecil and Lynda ‘Celyn Away’ as we step into this gift of time that we’ve been given.  It is about living life in the way we’ve not permitted ourselves to before, trusting that what needs to happen will, that for today we are well and able, and that this journey is short and could end at any time. 

I believe that things don’t happen to us...things happen for us.  At a later time, I will share my thoughts on that as they were jotted own while waiting in the hospital during Cecil’s surgery.  But for now, suffice it to say that this happened for us to be reminded that our time on this earth of ours is limited, and that we need to drink in the magic of it while we can, because in the blink of an eye it can all change.  That lesson was not new to me, but I did need to be reminded of that.  I have been...so “if not now, then when?”  Now!