9 Lessons on Living as taught by the dying

Spending time with a loved one in the last days of life is an honor and a privilege.

​DD entered my life when I was six years old, two years after we’d moved back to the prairies so that I could start school, leaving behind the coastal world that had been my life up until that time. 

It was a very difficult time for me, a chubby little outsider, as I entered the walls of that system not knowing any other children, not knowing until then that I was ‘fat’, not knowing it wasn’t okay to be too smart or even talented because that made you a teacher’s pet in the eyes of the other children, not knowing how tough life could be just being a kid.

DD was Mr. Dobbin to me then, the principal of the school.  He was a different Mr. Dobbin on weekends, as one of my Grandfather’s best friends. We’d often venture into the hills on Sundays to visit him and his wife Doris.  That relationship put him in an awkward position the first time I was sent to his office when I was in Grade 2.   I had blurted out the F word in a fit of anger at another 7-year-old who was tormenting me with teasing and hair pulling.  I’d only just learned the word days before when I’d seen it written on the school wall and had been told it was a very bad word that you only used when you were really, really mad at someone.  At that moment I was really, really mad.  Standing in the principal’s office I waited for the strap that everyone had said was inevitable if you ended up being sent there.  It didn’t come, instead I received a stern but compassionate explanation that even when you are really, really mad in grade two, using that word still wasn’t a good idea.

Fast forward 30 years, and Mr. Dobbin became DD, my father-in-law.  He remained in that role until the day of his death in April, for although I had been widowed when his son passed and I had remarried in the years following, there was never another father-in-law.  He, in return, never let me forget I was his favorite daughter-in-law, and even created a day in June to celebrate that sending a card amended to read just that each year.  We had a deep and special friendship for many, many years as he supported my continued farming of the land that had once been his.  He embraced the new people that came into my life as a result of my own remarrying, and he was a kind and patient confident for so many of my life’s events.

When I decided to make the move back out to the coast last year, I worried about how I was going to tell him that we were selling much of the farmland that had once been his, and that the house he’d built would be lived in by a renter while we explored other possibilities for our lives elsewhere.  When I visited to tell him, it turned out he already knew about that, as people who felt it was their duty to relay all that they ‘thought’ I was doing had already been busy on phone calls to him.  His words to me were that he knew that we loved the water and fishing, and we were young and should be exploring other things in life while we had our health and energy.  His words regarding those that had meddled in the business that should have been between he and I were not so kind.  It wasn’t often you saw DD angered by people, but he had little tolerance for those that chose to stir pots in an attempt to cause unnecessary trouble for others.
 
One of my fears about moving away was that I’d be so far away from him, but we kept in touch bi-weekly through phone calls, and I made sure we had good, meaningful visits when I was back in the province.  I also promised him that I’d be there when needed, and when his daughter called to tell me that things were not good and that he was being put on comfort care, I was on the next plane east to be there for him. 

He was the fifth loved one that I would sit vigil with as his days wound down. I’d learned much from the previous deaths I’d walked alongside and through the interest I have in reading end of life support books.  Still, with every new death, much of what is forgotten resurrects itself, and new learning takes place. As had happened previous times, in being there, I found myself becoming more present and responsive to the hours and needs of this man who had been a part of my life for so long, and was grateful that I had the means and the support to be with him on this last leg of his 98-year journey. 

The first night I arrived I feared I was already too late to enjoy that small, last window of time where communication and sharing was possible, as he was so unresponsive when I arrived at the care-home at midnight.  But the next morning when I returned at 7 he was wide awake and so happy that I was there.  We spent much of the next few days reminiscing about the loved ones lost, and I was grateful that I had memories of many that so few are left to remember now.  He shared more stories of his childhood and his family.  He relished moments with his wife, daughter and grandchildren, as life had blessed him with a second family late in life, and you could see the adoration he had for the little ones that were so important to him.
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We took turns as a family spelling each other off when needed, and being there together for support when that seemed the more important choice to make.  Throughout the days, I started to be reminded of things that often only the dying can remind us about.  These are some of those things. 

• Eat dessert first.  DD’s appetite came and went in the first few days.  The second day I was there his sister and her friend brought in some nice, soft store-bought shortbread cookies.  When the meal tray would come in, he would take a look at the offering, replace the lid and ask for a cookie instead.  “I don’t have much of an appetite, might as well eat the good stuff first,” and so he did, closing his eyes, chewing slowly and deliberately, savoring every morsel and bite.  How often to we refuse the ‘good stuff’ because we think we should do differently, whether it’s in our eating, our leisure time, or in so many of our day to day lives?  Sometimes we should embrace life just like we were having it slip away on us, and just go for the dessert first. 
• It's not the dying who most resemble the walking dead.  I took a break for a meal, and ended up in a busy chain restaurant for lunch.  On the days where one is living and breathing death, you begin to notice more things more vividly, and what I saw was that we the living are the ones that are the most zombie-like.  I saw it all around me in the days I sat vigil.   In a local Montana's watching the faces of people wolfing down their meals, preparing for the next thing to happen on this day.   I watched kids coloring, their works of art unnoticed as their parents stared at their phones, mindlessly pushing the food into their mouths, while their eyes never left their phone screens.  Selfies, foodies, a lot of people who look so alone while together.  I, in honesty, have to admit most days I am one of them, until life gives me another one of her grounding reminders.  My father in law was that time’s touchstone.  He was dying, and in that dying I witnessed how he noticeably relished every moment of connection that presented itself. As I sat eating my lunch, I could sense that the man across the restaurant was also dying, I recognized the signs and the gaunt discolored look of his features, and I saw his focus, appreciation, deep tasting of the food and its textures. I could see it in the attention he was giving to the words of his dining partner.  What could we learn if we relished moments the way those that know they are living their last do?  
• Even at 98 you can have one more best day ever.  I arrived late on Thursday night, Friday much of the day was spent bedside with his daughter, his grandchildren, my daughter and my grandson.  Other beloveds came and went, and at the end of that DD, embraced each of us in the biggest hug I’d ever received from him, sharing that ‘this was the best day ever, I had all my family together here with me’. 
• Time and respect should be given before hand, not just on the last days.  Too often we put off spending that time with those we love, because our lives are busy and our calendars are full.  Then when we get the call that the end is near, there is the panic of how to get there to spend time and be with.  But that is not the time, the time was last year, or last month, when conversations could flow and medication did not stifle it.  I remember hearing him whisper 'I wish they'd come last week instead.'  The time is when your loved one says ‘come by and see me sometime’.  Life is fleeting and precious, and we forget that. 
• Laughter is the best medicine.  On days that can be seemingly the hardest, there is still room for laughter and joking.  The dying person doesn’t want our sadness and our heartbreak, they want to celebrate the good times, the funny things, the gifts of life that made us laugh out loud.  They want to laugh with us for as long as they can, and they want to hear us sharing together when they are no longer able to.   The sadness is within us, and will stay there for a long time to come, however, it doesn’t have to be the only thing.  There is always room for laughter, it truly is the best medicine for everyone. 
• Babies don't worry, they just shine in their own light. In the days we spent, three little ones spent time with us on and off.  They remind us of the preciousness of life, of the fresh start, the innocence of being through their busy, exploring little hands and their inquiring presence that refused to be dimmed by the dying happening close at hand.  They are not afraid to ask the questions that the dying one is open to answering.  They are not afraid to snuggle into the familiarity of the one they love, even though the process is changing that person.  They just continue to be the bright, shining spirits that they are, and they brighten the corners we abide in. 
• There are no timelines, pace yourself... Self care. There is no timeline for the process and best guesses are just that.  We have to remember that as we pace ourselves and look out for each other.  Too often people are afraid to leave the room in case their loved one passes when they are gone, and as noble as that might seem, the one that loves them back knows they were there for all the times that mattered most and wants them to take care of their own health.  Take the offerings of time to go shower, eat, grab a coffee or just sleep in your own bed.  Understand that the act of dying is only the first step of a long journey of grief that will take time and energy to walk through.  Of all the kindnesses that can come from inside you as you support a loved one who is dying, make sure some of that kindness is bestowed upon yourself.
• So many good things can come out of sitting bedside. I was once again reminded that in every loss, something is gained.  We forget that, or don’t think to look for the gift.  In DD’s death, I lost my father in law, but I gained a sister.  There is a large age difference between myself, who was connected more through his first family and his daughter, who is from his second.  There was always love, admiration and knowing...but only to an extent, as opportunities for deeper connection were seldom available.  The experience of walking this road together let us get to know, admire and love each other in a completely new way and deeper level that has opened a doorway to a new, different relationship that will continue as we live his legacy.
• Just be present.   At no time are we pushed to be more present than when sitting bedside, with a dying loved one.  Allow that.  Forget the phones, the social media, and the list of things you could/should/would be doing.  There is nothing more important than what you are doing in honoring their life by honoring them at their time of death.  Leave space for what is most important to them; the stories, the memories, the hopes, dreams and even the regrets.   Even at 98, I was reminded that each of us wish we had done some things differently.  Each of us wants to know that those we love recognize we did our very best, even if it wasn’t by the book or what other’s might have expected of us.  Each of us want to know that we are loved and will be remembered, and that we made an impact and made a difference having existed.  Listen deeply to the words, then look in and between those words for the deeper meaning of what is trying to be conveyed, then honor that sharing, by being present and responsive.  In the days to come, the ordinary will be there to go back to.  Embrace the extraordinary gift of being witness when it matters most.  Learn from that gift and let it walk with you into the days ahead, and work hard to remember the learning.  Life will be so much more alive if you can.